‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
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Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.