Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
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Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Oh my God.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time