me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
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This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
As the Lord intended
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does