This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
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I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
A tragic love story in two pictures.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.