teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
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My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
The booster protects against what, now?
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.