I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
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You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
lot going on here, legally speaking.
This hospital has everything
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
R.I.P.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
oh my gosh!!
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?