[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
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*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
this is the most humiliating day of my life
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
This was the best day of my life
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.