Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
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Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
so, is there a mister shapen head
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
@funTweeters
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape