That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
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You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
so, is there a mister shapen head
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
🙄😏😂🤣