I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
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I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
🤣🤣💀
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.