What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
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*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I think we should hear other voices.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter