Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
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Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”