started wrapping my pills in cheese
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Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.