The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
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Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.