Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
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Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.