It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
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shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
X-tra spooky blend
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink