[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
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I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit