WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
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got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”