A friend helps you before you need it
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[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
TODAY
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
How do dragons blow out candles?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment