Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
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The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.