frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
You Might Also Like
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.