My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
You Might Also Like
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
This meeting could have been a cake
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen