Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
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Whole ‘nother level!
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
This forever.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good