According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
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I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once