one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
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Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
stand with me against insufficient seating
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.