The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
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He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.