interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
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Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.