I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
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[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
He died doing what he loved: being alive
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes