[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
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What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???