You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
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‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue