My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
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no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME