Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
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[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Bike is short for Bichael.
I need a headline like this
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Meanwhile in Canada…
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.