Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
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[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Spell check is for lasers.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.