It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
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The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Uh oh…
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.