I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
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Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…