indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
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A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Bit chilly again tonight.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car