You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
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Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
S M O L
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare