This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
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I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays