If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
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I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
hey, alexa
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Just me and my debit card against the world
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I’d love this…lol
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.