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Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.