another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
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I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
you gotta be faster
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read