If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
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[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Science memes
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big