My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
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Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
This took me a second..
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
I’ve been learning to cook.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it