To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
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[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse