If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
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I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers