Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
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Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..