My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
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are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
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“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left