interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
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I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .