INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
You Might Also Like
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
men, we mow at sunrise.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice