[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
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When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”